If only I’ve a time machine, I would rather be single up to the present moment, the old says it is better to have loved and lost then to never have love at all, and I found that it’s partially true because if you ever found someone you really love and at the end of the day, they changed and leave for better, what left was just a bitten memory. It may seem to be nice, and it doesn’t happen for someone, whom are so lucky to have someone at the corner of the world still care and think of them everyday, but what it is for me, nil, null and near impossible, I am alone. I am sunk into the deep ocean, where sunshine hardly remain in touch and what covered around me is dark and cold water. 

Living a day to day life in city with skyrocket building, dusty environment, busy street, traffic jam, and never ending work load was never beautiful. I hate the noisy-ness, its freak me out and all I wanted after a hard day work is to listen to some nice and beautiful voice that can instantly smoothen and taking always all the worry and suffering for the day. It was just a simple request, why is it so hard for me to have it. All I wanted is just a romantic and beautiful conversation with someone I love in a cosy environment.

Recently, I met a lady, she’s beautiful. Yet, I do not have gutted to fall in love with her, because due to many reasons that have stopped me to make any further steps. I’ve been very careful in positioning myself not goes overboard. Whenever things go unexpected, I’ll pull back and retreat, because I know, the infatuation and temptation or her attractiveness beautiful eye and lips are just illusion playing in my mind that I know she may not belong to me. Somewhere, deep down in my heart, I really love her, to love someone you can’t love can be more painful than heartbreak by reaping them into thousand tiny pieces or ashes.

I don’t know and I don’t really have horse sense to think about anything in this relationship, letting go or not, and what worry me most is that I can’t live the life she wanted, I can’t give the things she wanted, and I can’t seem to make her fallen deep into me same as how much I love her. While, we can’t change anyone to be like what we want, it needed to be happened naturally, love are supposed to be unconditionally and that’s what I always longing for. I never hoped for one-sided love, it’s too much a pain for me to bear, and it’s not beautiful after all.

Sleepless night and pretending tough is somewhat daft. I don’t seem to see tree dancing and flower blooming, I can’t see colour on the rainbow. I would rather take a step back and hope that I can really see the light from the end of the tunnel, I am sorry, I am sorry for her, how should I tell her, I am confused and afraid that I can’t see her again? 

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do